One of the most powerful things we can understand in our lives is the divide between love and fear especially when it comes to our relationships with our loved ones.

Discipline without relationship leads to rebellion. The reason many people turn away from God and why they see him as a disciplinarian waiting for them to mess up is the same reason many children struggle to obey their parents.

The Bible says, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” Obedience is the natural result of relationship! When a child feels loved by their parents and loves them in return, obedience is less of a chore and more of a delight. I remember hating when I would lie to my parents. At first, it was because I didn’t want to get in trouble, but as I got older, I began to hate lying to them because I knew it wasn’t part of who I was, and it would hurt the people I loved so much.

So, how do you focus on relationship over merely obedience? Especially with a toddler who has a newfound love for the word “no,” or a child whose defiance always seems to come up in the middle of the busiest day of the year?

1. Slow down.

There are few situations where taking the extra 5 minutes to point out and correct a negative behavior will put you way off schedule. When the moments are busiest, we tend to fall to the extremes of parenting. Either we give up because it’s easier to tolerate a negative behavior than to fight to correct it, or we go into hulk mode and shut down our child.

When we disobey God, I have found He first tells us about what we are doing wrong through the Holy Spirit. Sometimes that voice is soft, and sometimes it is stern, but that is never the end of the conversation.

At a smaller level, this is our goal with our children. Once we have corrected them, we have to train them to understand why their actions are wrong, what we know that they are capable of doing, and the consequences of continued disobedience.

The process of slowing down to address the behavior also shows them that you are willing to put time into them, even when it seems inconvenient. As your child learns how to think about what they are doing and their options, they will eventually learn to manage and communicate their emotions and needs by themselves. And as that trust and maturity grows, obedience will follow.

1. Know your child’s identity in Christ.

Understanding who you are in Christ is a vital part of your walk with the Lord! Identity yields authority over our emotions. When we know that we are dearly loved, we speak life over our relationships and drown the lies of the enemy!

Your child has the same identity you do as a child, or potential child of God! They are dearly loved. They are God’s masterpiece made in the image of God--children of God!

Even though your child may not have received Christ yet, the Word says that God is willing that no one would perish. He has called all of us into relationship with Him. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us, meaning God knew our true identity and desired to give us the opportunity to walk in it! We should give our children the ability to walk in this identity! An understanding that they are a dearly loved Child of God made uniquely for a purpose will help them obey not out of fear, but out of an understanding of who they are!

If your child sees themselves as a failure, as a mistake, and a person doomed to continue to make mistakes, they will not be able to act like a loved, cherished child of God. Even in the face of discipline, affirm to your child that they are kind, they are loving. It is their actions that are not reflecting who they are.

1. Affirm your unconditional love for your child.

Easier said than done, right? The key to God’s love--the reason it makes us feel so secure and so well loved--is that it is not contingent on our successes, and it is not broken by our failures.To cultivate obedience out of love and not love out of obedience requires us to persistently meet our child where they are. To stay connected despite difficult circumstances, and partner with them to correct their mistakes. That is what it means to model love and relationship the way our heavenly Father does.

Many parents will hesitate to either increase or decrease their level of discipline. There’s a stigma against parents who are “overly lenient” or “strict disciplinarians.” Instead of thinking it as one way or another, think about how God deals with you, and model that in your relationship with your child.

Does God discipline us? Yes! But what about grace? God’s grace takes away the punishment for our sins when we have repented. Grace does not take away the consequences of our actions here on Earth. Our heavenly Father models a perfect balance of love, discipline, and grace. He models a constant love and desire for relationship that overshadows everything we have ever done. And that is the kind of discipline our children need.

When a child obeys out of fear of punishment, they are acting in their own strength, and as we know, we are limited in our human abilities. But when we love God, it leads us to obedience! So, not only are you molding your relationship with your child, you are training them how to obey the Lord out of love! You are showing them the love their heavenly Father has for them!

Remember that God made YOU to be your child’s parent. And just like God deals with each of us uniquely, there is no uniform instruction manual for exactly how to correct and discipline your children. But what we do know--based on our Father’s example to us--is that daily, even hourly, connection with your child will build an expectation of love and relationship that will fuel your child’s ability and desire to obey. There is a time to be stern and a time to give grace. But it is always a time to connect.